Personal boundaries are there to keep us and other people safe, like an invisible fence.
We are all responsible to know and communicate our own boundaries and respect other's boundaries. However, noone keeps perfect boundaries they can be slightly flexible as long as they still keep us safe from people who may control, hurt, manipulate, abuse or use us.
They can be hard for people with BPD as it is a difficult interpersonal skill, which often leads to no/low boundaries or the opposite (too strong boundaries).
Having low boundaries makes us more vulnerbale to other people taking advantage or people running away if we come on too strongly.
High boundaries (walls) can feel protecting but can cause isolation by people being blocked out.
Setting healthy boundaries can help everyone stay safe and comfortable and attract others with healthy boundaries.
Unhealthy boundaries include:
Going against your own values to please others
Not speaking up when you are treated badly
Expecting others to fill your needs automatically
Falling in love with someone you barely know
Accepting sexual advances you do not want
Touching someone without asking
To make healthy boundaries we need to know who we are and who we are not.
What are our responsibilities?
Boundaries include:
I am responsible for my own happiness
I am responsible for my behaviour
I am responsible for my attitude
Non-boundaries are:
I am responsible for your happiness or you are responsible to make me happy
I am responsible for your behaviour or you are responsible for what I do
I am responsible for your attitude or you are responsible for my attitude
Sometimes boundaries can become blurred or confused. This is when you are not sure of what the boundaries are and who is responsible for what.
They should define what is 'me' and what is separate, 'not me'. We are all whole people and do not need another person to make us complete - boundaries set physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and psychological lines between what is 'me' and what is 'not me'.
It can be hard to recognise other's boundaries so it is important to use communication to check - for example "would it be okay if I hugged you?"
Book:
Boundaries: Where you end and I begin - How to recognise and set healthy boundaries by Anne Katherine
Web links:
www.my-borderline-personality-disorder.com/2014/07/setting-boundaries-when-you-have-bpd.html - An article from a person recovering from BPD, and their experience of boundaries and how they identified needing to improve them.
http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm - has a couple useful Youtube video links to setting healthy boundaries and some key points on how to start setting some for yourself
http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/ - Advice on 10 ways to set and keep boundaries