Being assertive means getting what you need/want or protecting yourself from what you don't want to do whilst still respecting other people's needs and rights.
Assertiveness allows people to communicate more equally with each other, so needs are clear and not misunderstood which leads to confusion and sometimes aggression, frustration or upset.
Some people are too passive or the opposite, too aggressive or even both passive and aggressive.
We learn as children how to behave by looking at the reactions we get to our behaviours.
If we have had been harshly disciplined we may then react in anxious ways when faced with confrontation and feel it is not safe to ask for what we need because our confidence is reduced.
If we have used shouting to get what we need when we were younger this may develop into using threats, bullying, manipulation or sarcasm later in life and others may react defensively or aggressively towards us.
Being both passive and aggressive can look like we are being nice, but building up feelings inside can cause frustration or anger and then this bursts out of us later. This will cause a reaction from whoever is in the firing line and then is likely to cause guilt and the passive behaviour starts again.
What situations am I assertive, passive or aggressive in?
When am I not assertive and what I do I instead?
What are the consequences of me not being assertive?
Becoming assertive can take time because you are learning to change your behaviour which you have done for years. Think of it as an experiment, "if I communicate in this way..., what happens?" Just keep practising and trying news ways of relating to others.
You could start by identifying one person who you are frequently not assertive with and try being assertive.
You may be nervous about being assertive with someone because of the consequences of expressing your feelings or feeling guilty about possibly hurting others. It can be hard to unlearn what you have always known and felt, but as a adult you can change the rules. Don't just do what you think you 'should' do.
Other people may like you being passive, for example, and not like the change and new found confidence. But be determined to succeed!
It can be rewarding> Expressing our feelings when they happen stops the build up of anger or resentment because they are dealt with straight away. Sometimes taking a moment to calm down can make dealing with the situation more effective though.
Communicating more effectively can improve our relationships or just increase other's understanding of us and what we need. Each time this is successful your confidence will grow and it will become easier to express your thoughts and feelings.
Tips for being assertive>
Recognise your feelings when they happen
- "what emotions am I feeling?" anger, upset, humiliation?
Take time, then react
-"When you said this..I felt..." (not you made me feel)
- own your feelings, don't judge, use facts, stay on point.
Approach it soon
- make time to talk to the person about it, don't waste time and energy ruminating about it.
Set clear boundaries - Learn to say no.
Don't get into excuses - Don't lie.
Establish a bottom line - Be determined with what you want
Don't try to mind read - Communicate so you know they know how you are feeling
Do something different - Be aware of your usual pattern of behaviour and change
Make a ring of confidence - Start small and build confidence
Further advice and support can be found through local groups -
Local authority adult education classes
Health education services
Voluntary organisations
Unemployed resource centres or community centres